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I barbecued my tee ball then United a 3-wood but made a bald eagle. My ABSU started with a zeppelin, which one of my playing partners mistook for an angel gooser until it ended up in the hazard. Then for some reason, I became the aerosol man, seemingly unable to pick the right wrench. I even blow-dried one. I played the hole like Captain Kirk and ended up BIPSIC. Thank goodness the quench wench was coming up the cart path.
Need some new jargon to enliven your banter on the course? You should be able to pick up a few new terms here. Our list is a combination of terms from a new book called “Let the Big Dog Eat: A Dictionary of the Secret Language of Golf” (Hubert Pedroli and Mary Tiegreen, $18, Harper Collins Publishers) and contributing writer Tripp Sheppard.
A-game: What a player hopes to bring to the course every time he steps out of his car. Synonym: pipe dream.
ABSU: Acronym for After Birdie Screw Up. A debilitating psycho-physiological ailment afflicting just about everyone with a handicap of 5 or more. A common ABSU is a horrendous drive that leads to triple bogey after making a 25-footer for birdie.
Aerosol man: A golfer who sprays a lot.>
Aiming fluid: Alcoholic beverage such as beer or whiskey consumed while playing.
Angel gooser: A very high drive.
Bald eagle: A hair shy of an eagle.
Barbecuing it: To hit a big drive. Same as smoking it.
BIPSIC: Acronym for Ball In Pocket/Sulking In Cart.
BIP mobile: Personal transportation for BIPSIC players.
Blow dry: An air shot. Blow dries are often mislabeled as practice swings.
Bowling: To mark an X on the scorecard. As you might imagine, bowling during a round of golf is not good.
Blue Bayou (a.k.a. “Getting Linda Ronstandted”): When a fellow playing companion unleashes a drive that sails by yours.
Cabbage: Rough – the really thick stuff, or what you generally win if you keep it out of the cabbage for the majority of a round. (a.k.a. “rhubarb”).
Cabbage pounder: A player who spends a lot of time trampling in the rough.
Captain Kirk: A shot that goes where no man has gone before.
Cheerleader: An overdressed, label-conscious golfer.
Chili Dip: More fun with Doritos watching pro football than on a golf course. Done by a “real estate developer” who hits it “fat.”
Chops: Players who appear better suited for a spot on some outdoor programming show that features lumberjacks and power saws. Also “hacks” or “hackers.”
Chunky tuna: A chunked shot that ends up in a water hazard.
Culligan: A mulligan that ends up in the water.
Darth Vader: A fearsome slicer.
David Copperfield(ed): To make the ball disappear into the hole, as if by a stroke of magic. Looks like Claudia got “Copperfielded” and disappeared much to the dismay of magic fans around the world.
Direct deposit: A shot that goes in the hole from off the green.
Easter egg: A new ball found in the cabbage.
Elephant’s ass: A high, stinky shot.
Fat: Most often used in reference to an iron that comes up short because of less than perfect contact at impact. Not to be confused with popular rap adjective PHAT — Pretty Hot And Tasty.
Fatness comes in varying degrees, to wit: 1) The Liz Taylor: a little fat but still beautiful, 2) the stub, a short but greasy stroke, 3) the familiar chunk, 4) the distasteful chili dip, 5) the Frito Lay, a fat chip, 6) the Roseanne, an unapologetically chubby shot, and 7) the insufferable porker.
FM dial: A high score that could be the numbers for a local radio station.
Foozle: An old-fashioned term for a poorly struck shot in which the ball trickles only a few miserable yards.
Furniture: The woods in your bag.
Future furniture: The woods on the course.
Golf mechanic: A player who has to “test drive” every new piece of golf equipment that comes into the pro shop. A golf mechanic generally thinks that purchasing new equipment is the best way to improve, rather than establishing a solid practice routine.
Gust of gravity: The sudden, and seemingly unexplainable, effect of a shot coming up short.
Heliputter: A low-flying type of aircraft seen hovering above the green after a short-tempered player misses a shorter putt.
Hollywood handicap: An artificially low handicap.
Hozzle rocket: The word “shank” is never uttered on a golf course because the condition is recognized by golfers at all levels as extremely contagious. Hozzle rocket is synonymous with this dreaded malady.
Irish birdie: A birdie after hitting a mulligan.
Johnny Cochran: To face a shot with such a terrible lie that only Johnny Cochran can save you.
Juice: Nickname for a famous hacker saved by Johnny Cochran.
Kevorkian: A killer swing or a suicidal shot, or the man you consider seeing after your 17th consecutive hozzle rocket.
Law dog: A course ranger.
Lawn sausages: Goose droppings.
Liprosey: Pseudomedical condition in which a player rims out a putt.
Lobster: The lob wedge.
Mario Andretti: A drive that hits the cart path and keeps rolling.
Marquis de Sod: The greenskeeper responsible for painful pin placements.
Marv Albert: An approach shot with a lot of bite.
Mast: The flagstick.
Mick Jagger(ed) it: When a putt lips out or in some groups when a putt is left hanging on the lip.
Moonwalking: A ball with backspin that walks backward on the green.
North Carolina: N.C., or no card turned in because of an embarrassingly high score.
Obeewonkenobeed: Hitting a ball out of bounds (Obeewon for short).
Oprah golf: One thin shot, one fat shot, thin, fat, thin, fat and so on and so forth.
Pat Summerall: A member of the foursome who insists on giving a description of every shot.
Pick the right wrench: The ability of a player to pull the correct stick when between clubs.
Queen of denial (a.k.a. “Getting Cleopatraed”): Generally used to describe a putt that lips out or stops on the edge. Country music singer Pam Tillis recorded a song called “Queen of Denial,” which is thought to be the genesis of this one. Rolling Stones fans get Mick Jaggered instead.
Quench wench: The woman driving the refreshment cart.
Real estate developer: A player who takes big divots reminiscent of a earth mover.
Recovery room: The 19th hole.
Rescue operation: An entire foursome looking for a lost ball.
Rock Hudson: A putt that looks straight but is not.
Rommel: Taking several strokes to get out of the sand.
Scud: A shot with questionable accuracy.
Serving cake: Continually slicing.
Sesame Street: Heard on rare occasions when a player pulls off the “big bird” – an eagle. Or “Where are Bert and Ernie, because I just found the Big Bird.”
Toilet flusher: A putt that swirls around the hole before draining.
Trench wrench: The sand wedge.
United: A long flight that arrives early (OK, so this is a little outdated), as in hitting a 3-wood to a par-5 green in two.
U.S.A.: While this may have been the chant going up from the crowd when Justin Leonard drilled his dramatic putt at the Ryder Cup, “U.S.A.” means U Still Away.
Van de Velde: Committing a terrible blunder when the match is almost won.
Volkswagen: A shot that makes up in efficiency what it lacks in style.
X-Files: When a player fails to hole out, thus taking a “x” on the scorecard for a particular hole. Or I “Muldered” that one. As in the television series, a Mulder is often preceded by a Skully.
Yank: This has nothing to do with the Civil War but rather a shot going dead left off the club of a right-handed player. (Supposedly, a “dead yank” has been referred to as a “Munson” but never by the author, as it is a tasteless description even for a Red Sox fan. Would the Fenway faithful ever call a slow roller in baseball a “Buckner?”)
Zeppelin: A high, floating shot that is soon to crash and burn.
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